Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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