Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
