1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
