I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
