I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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