sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
