I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
