i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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