I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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