; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
