Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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