You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
