i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
