Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
