he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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