so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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