ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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