Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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