dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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