True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
