I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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