The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
