"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
