Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
