DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
In America we eat man semen.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
