he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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