I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
