if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
These tits shall not be calmed
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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