i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
