so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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