if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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