I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
