operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
