do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
