k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
