dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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