i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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