My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
