i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
