Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
