we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
