Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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