advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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