Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
