you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
