you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
