he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
