I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
