Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
