ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
