I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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