Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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